I'm having trouble finding the meaning for a symbol I was presented with during a meditation. 

 I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with it, it was presented to me by my spirit guide and It didn't explain anything to me about it.

  I'm going to upload a picture of it to this page and any information on the symbol or what I can do to learn more about this symbol would be very helpful.  ^.^

Me and my fiance'  have been in the proscess of moving and getting settled into our new place the last several weeks, as a result my little hide-aways on the net have managed to gather a little dust.  :( 

But I'm almost back, just stopping in to shake some of the dust off so it isn't as bad when I manage a full return.

Take care everyone!

*hugs all*

   There are so many things my mind gets caught up in when I think about where I used to be spriritually and where I am now... 

When I was 16 I tried to kill myself by ovredosing on tylenol pm.  Talk about a very horrible plan, if I had succeded I would have died after about five days on a morphene drip as my organs failed and toxins built up in my body.  I didn't go through with it, i told my mother when i couldn't thow up the pills and she took me to the hospital.  The exerience was... strange... I slipped in and out of consciousness and was downing charcoal drinks and throwing them up regularly all night.  I could feel the memory of the tube in my stomach for about a year, and the taste of tylenol I know too well.  It wasn't a pleasant experience but...and perhaps this makes me seem crazy... But personally I'm thankful for it.  It was a wake up call I really needed...

There were so many things going on when I took those pills.. I could spend forever explaining them but I'm not really sure I should.  The major part is that I felt like an enemy in my home. 

 My parents had recently tried to divorce and then got back together (i caught my father cheating and told my mother) and then when they got back together, my parents were being so fake.. (my dad flat out told me that he knows mom came back because of money, but that she would have been fine she had more money put away than she knew or somehting like that)  needless to say I was disgusted, I still am.  My father is a jerk and my mother has closed herself off emotionally so that she can try to live happy while with him.  He's on pills now though, so he isn't as bad, but it's too little too late in my opinion, he's still a control freak.

Once they tried to settle in again and play happy family the tide turned to me... and my father was beyond riding my ass.  The whole time during the divorce he tried to get me to leave my mother alone so she would come back, but I stayed by her side the whole time, my brother went where the money was... 

 I was reading a lot on paganism and I my parents found out, they had tried to seperate me from my friends, and then they tried to serperate me from the only thing that felt right and carried real value for me on the inside.  It became an attack on paganism, they would find sections in the book they found and read it alloud and out of context and then attack it for what it said.  They wouldn't listen to my explanation, and my fathers eyes burned with hate as he pulled his emotional and controling shit on me, the only one who hadn't welcomed him back.  I was pissed, I expected it but it didn't change the fact that they only compliment what serves them, I was always conscidered as the one who could read and understand and digest anything, my parents had always trusted me to be able to take care of myself and not get into bad things.  They knew I was reading on various religions, but when paganism came into the mix everything hit the fan.  And I realized that their faith in me and my intelligence lasted only so long as I was in their good graces, and that they didn't have enough faith in their own ability to raise a child to expect me to have the defences hardwired in to deal with these things safely.

So when you're parents pull your support group from you, and then they attack you at your spiritual core, and then they attack your mental abilities, what's left?  Before I took the pills I'd say nothing... afterwards, I say everything. 

An attack is just an attack, it can't truly take anything from you.  Mandy was always going to be there for me whether they wanted her to be or not, and with or without the books my heart would still be pagan my spirit safe in it's nitch, and my mind would always burn with curiousity and a yearning for knowledge (and you don't always need a book for that) and the fact that they attacked me mentally merely gave my mind more information the feed on. 

When I left the hospital (I was never put in the psych ward which is normal prosceedure but the psychologist felt that I was just fine, of course the social worker annoyed me I didn't want to be a ward of the state I wanted to take care of myself which aparrently I couldn't legally do here, so i just messed with her instead.. not nice of me but I was irrritated that she would come in and speak with me while I was still under the effect of medication and very much fuzzy in the head)  My father took me to the bank I still had my medical band on my wrist when I signed up for a checking and savings account... Had to be productive and all that....*eye roll* had to act like nothing was wrong... 

In the next several weeks following my suicide attempt a lot changed, I did a lot of reflection on what spirituality was to me, and what I was really seeking in this life.  I went deep into the broom closet, and am only now a bit reckless with hiding it.. And I realized just how important it is for a person to maintain a sense of self, and a sense of who they are.  Life can really break you're force of will sometimes, I never would have thought I'd try to kill myself until 3 minutes before those pills entered my body.  It's important to know that apearing weak to someone else doesn't make you weak, it takes a strong person to know when it's safe to say things and when not to.  I learned to agree to disagree and I found myself as I am without my parents influence. And I love me as I am, a pagan, a friend, a student, a lover, a nuturer, and a mystery to those who can not follow me on my path...

Although I learned a lot about myself through the huge wake up call that was my suicide attempt, that doesn't make it an option.  Life is prescious, every life, even the lives of people we can't stand.  And although it's easier to love others sometimes, it's important to be able to love yourself and understand that you are worthy of love.  I went through a lot of self hatred at times, and I still do wrestle with my personal demons, but at the end of the day when I step out into nature and feel the energy wrapping around me I know that I am at home and that despite how hard life gets I'm safe and never alone.

Well, I was unable to properly introduce myelf last time on here so I suppose I will do so now. 

My name is Amanda, and I'm 21 years old. I live in the middle of Nebraska and am so ready to get out of here, hehe.  I love the scenery and the weather can be so amazing, but it's hard for me to find people who are interested in the same things or even willing to except my interest in paganism around here.  This is why I am so happy that I found this site! ^.^  Here I hope to meet people who are excepting and even similar to me in some ways.  I want to learn everything I can, I havn't had a chance to really delve into the different pagan paths because of where I am so I can't wait to meet people who are wallking different paths.  And most of all I can't wait to vent my thoughts and questions to people who understand and don't look at the questions as if they're some strange thing that is comming from a satanist. 

Hello covenspace ^.^

I'm actually really excited about this, I've been wanting a place to blog my thoughts on pagan happenings in my life and to vent the thoughts brought on by reading various pagan texts.  But all my other blogs are frequented by family members so that was really out of the question, untill now. ^.^

I'm all excited, but I have to get ready for work now....